I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
student: can i go to the bathroom
teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don’t know, can you
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Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Poetry is my passion
DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery
ME: Wtf why not?
DAD: Because *locking eyes* they’re still alive
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Pretty sure he’s a ferret
Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-
Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me