@decentbirthday

[2025]

student: can i go to the bathroom

teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don’t know, can you

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@Lhlodder

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

@carlyken

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

@markydoodoo

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

@KeetPotato

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

@Sickayduh

DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery
ME: Wtf why not?
DAD: Because *locking eyes* they’re still alive

@ohthatbadger

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

@AimeeHelene1

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-

Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me