She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
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Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Time heals everything 🙂
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
(by @ZachWeiner )
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*