Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I think this should do it.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.