I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
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me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.