Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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monster under my bed: Iām gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. Iām probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Weāre fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious theyāre at the wrong house.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
comedy isnāt about making people laugh. itās about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, āI need to pencil in my eyebrowsā and āOmg this grocery store is playing my jamsā
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[eye doctorās office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and theyāre unhealthy
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: ā¦
Me: š Onā¦ paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Iām starting to think YouTube hasnāt done a very good job of raising my children.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Me: āIād like to return this lube because it doesnāt work rightā
Walmart associate: āMaāam, thatās hand sanitizerā
Person behind me: āIāll take it!ā
Her: Iām an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek ššš