[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
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Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
🤣✨#caturday
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.