Been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don’t.
so i made her a mixed signal tape
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
“I’m not racist, but,” -Racists
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
“ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!” is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.