@TrashCave

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

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@ItsAllBollocks

I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater

@The_Grant_Boldt

“Hi can I just have a single burger?”

I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship

“But that’s not eve-

Please show some respect

@earnestaugust

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

@bornmiserable

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

@capnwatsisname

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

@dire_beard

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

@13spencer

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

@notalogin

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

@tastefactory

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

@tylerschmall

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati