I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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“Hi can I just have a single burger?”
I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship
“But that’s not eve-
Please show some respect
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati