2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*