[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
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Think I pulled my liver
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?