[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions