@PostCultRev

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

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@ArfMeasures

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

@nerdreign

Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.

@IamEveryDayPpl

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

@dumbbeezie

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

@SamSykesSwears

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

@lianakey21

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

@ceejoyner

We all say tomato. There is no alternate pronunciation.

@TheHyyyype

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

@pilau

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

@MandiAtRandom

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help