[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

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*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board


Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.


1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…


“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops


“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”


The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018


We all say tomato. There is no alternate pronunciation.


[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure


me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that


Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help