[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
You Might Also Like
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
WTF IS THAT!
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!