*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*

“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”

3 eyed grandson “really?”

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me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”


We should’ve cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they’re part of a Thriller flash mob


So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??


DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.


I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed


“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”


I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.

That was close.


[job interview]

HR: You put that you were the branch manager…

Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…