If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*
“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”
3 eyed grandson “really?”
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“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
You ever lied so much on a resume, you’re actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
The nominees are
And the winner is
mad max fury road
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter