told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today