me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
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“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.