Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.