20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Huge, if true.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Tell the colonel to bring it
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.