My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
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DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I’m already here…..
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: ” *types in password*, Password Doesn’t Work” ** OMG I’M HACKED**…. *oh wait… never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]
Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”
Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”