@SortaBad

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

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@revious

My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole

@roxiqt

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

@PetrickSara

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

@JoanBaileyy

Me: ” *types in password*, Password Doesn’t Work” ** OMG I’M HACKED**…. *oh wait… never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*

@_elvishpresley_

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

@_NTFG_

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

@BrakSucks

[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]

Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”

Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”