20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.