20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

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“Dad, what’s the difference between love and lust?”
– Well, ya know your teddy bear?
“I love it”
– While you’re at school, the dog lusts it.


I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.


(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread


Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’


[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.


Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say “you did that”


David Attenborough: The hippos have patiently surrounded the unsuspecting white marbles


You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.