son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
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Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
ME: I miss you
KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It’s done. Stop calling me.
Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
D: *places giant needle on tray*
D: *places handgun on tray*