20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
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[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
U talkin 2 me?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Last-minute gift idea!
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?