20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
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The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
WHY?!
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.