21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
You Might Also Like
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*