If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
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For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.