22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

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At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating


“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”


I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.


Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win


Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.


Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is


Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true


From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”


HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd


God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?