22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
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ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
@funTweeters
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?