I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I wanna be friends with this person
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,