My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it