[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.