Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

*serious situation*

My brain:

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy