@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

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@TheToddWilliams

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

@BoydPetrich

Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?

@Elifcello

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

@MarieLoerzel

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

@WilliamAder

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

@WheelTod

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

@Smethanie

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.