WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
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Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I’m “friends with beneficiaries” years old.
i fixed ur flag pin for u sean
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.