23. the denim jacket
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread