23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
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Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Lmbo
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
is this meant to deter me
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”