[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
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Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
how to have fun when you’re poor
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.