24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT