@lovemydogduck

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

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@julcasagrande

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

@sonictyrant

me: what kind of ice cream do you have?

store assistant: it’s Ben&Jerrys

me: *slides $20 accross the counter* aaaaand whose is it now?

@therealeatwood

Call me old-fashioned but I think a woman should use her mouth for its intended purpose: for carrying her babies as cats carry their kittens

@LoriLuvsShoes

It’s really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So…I took away the door

@ThisOneSayz

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

@Breadery

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

@AimeeHelene1

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

@Bandersnaaatch

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.