24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
When you’re here for the treats.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you