As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill