Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”