@bulls_horns

25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.

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@junejuly12

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

@UnFitz

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

@LolaFaglana

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

@MomofTeen

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

@Parkerlawyer

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

@thedad

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?