Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.
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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Two horses in a field.
One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
if i was noah id have left geese behind
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?