25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.

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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.


Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.


Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!


I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.


The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.


My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.


Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?