Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years