You Might Also Like
Here’s a meme
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Perfection.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*