@ixix82

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

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@StarWarsProblms

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

@lawbsterfest

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

@E_lok44

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

@adult_keverage

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

@rebrafsim

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

@moutheaters

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

@favamp

If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.

@DVSblast

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

@causticbob

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.