@Jmboyd58

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

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@iamdevloper

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

@nyctwon

I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good

@AndyAsAdjective

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

@jsteele3966

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

@squirrel74wkgn

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

@JustDontBugMe

I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.

@Havish_AF

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

@ddsmidt

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.