2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
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Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
When someone trying to leave me
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
This forever.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.