2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]