2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
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Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Did my cat write this
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.