2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
You Might Also Like
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?