@daddydoubts

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

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@mkpaulsen

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

@Darlainky

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

@JaymayAllDay

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

@Angrea

OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.

@TheBoydP

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

@LionJenkins

Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.

@tweetarded1

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.