My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
2yo: daddy play with me!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
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-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.
She never even knew.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.