2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
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The A string on my guit_r is flat
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Great game to play with friends
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
This made me chuckle.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.