2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

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Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.


Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.


What an adorable idea. My coworkers have been writing names on food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.


One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.

Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.


me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden


When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on


Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.


Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.


10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏