2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
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ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat