2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.