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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
*rushing into work*
sorry i鈥檓 late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I think I’m having a stroke
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
All underwear is edible if you aren鈥檛 a coward
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Kids: We鈥檙e hungry!
Me: You鈥檙e in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
A lot of people still don鈥檛 seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
This is the coolest video you will see today.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.