3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
You Might Also Like
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
work smarter, not harder
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.