3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
describing stardew valley
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe