“Yep, I’m going to jail.”
When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
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I don’t wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.