[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
You Might Also Like
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.