@mrtruthandsoul

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

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@jake_lach

“Yep, I’m going to jail.”

When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*

@kwirkyKerri

I don’t wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.

@thedad

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

@CruisinSoozan

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

@TheBoydP

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

@DanMentos

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

@TheAdly

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

@sucittaM

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

@lmwortho

I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.

@causticbob

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.