[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

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When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*


I don’t wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.


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[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”


Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs


I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.


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I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.


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