[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
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I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?