3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.