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I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.