3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
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Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.